Let's Take a Test

Which of the following two items is the the more dangerous?
This cheeseburger, or this atomic bomb?
If you answered, "the cheeseburger," you're right. If you chose the atomic bomb, you're probably saying "but the atomic bomb is a horrible weapon that can wipe out hundreds of thousands of lives in an instant!" It's true. And the cheeseburger will kill hundreds of thousands of people each year due to cardiovascular disease, and colon and rectal cancers. But that doesn't make it more dangerous than the atomic bomb. The cheeseburger is more dangerous because you like it.

At CSIP, we've put hundreds, sometimes even dozens of hours into exhaustive research to prove that just about everything you like, or can like, is bad for you. And we aim to wipe out all these things in your lifetime, however truncated it might be due to the evil influences of science and technology and your unwitting participation.

Eating Disorder

We can't put it more simply than this: food kills. The statistics prove it. Everyone who has ever eaten food has died (or, by extrapolation, is going to), and this is a tragedy that cannot be allowed to continue. The expansive dining rooms of casual dining houses are nothing more than execution chambers for the uneducated and ignorant. But you, the uneducated and ignorant, have an ally in this war: CSIP. We've studied this an awful lot, and we know things you don't. Listen to us.

Some of you are probably asking "but don't you, the dedicated researchers at CSIP, eat?" No, we don't. We know the dangers that food poses. We just drink. And we like to think that it shows in our work.

Technological Breakdown

We have determined (through comprehensive testing in which we do things that ordinary, normal, sane people would never try unless they were completely stupid) that the following technologies, entities, and abstract concepts are dangerous, and swift action must be taken to eliminate them before civilization is brought to screaming halt and we're all killed and bad things happen.

Electricity Clothes Running Water Radio & television Electric lights Aspirin
Capitalism Shoes Telephones Automobiles Interstate highways Knives
Public education Indoor plumbing Fire Refrigeration Shelter Open elections

And The Greatest Threat to American Society

Organizations with unknown funding sources and dubious credentials that set themselves up as scientific authorities and public-safety watchdogs with no more motive than self-aggrandizement.

The Bottom Line

Thanks to CSIP you don't have to think for yourself and draw your own conclusions about what's good, what's bad, and what's right for you and your family. We've already done it for you. Don't you feel better knowing that?

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