Fan Mail for the output of the Beanie Machinie

We'll start with the plain accolades:

Shauna writes:
I like your Helly Jelly web page, its cool
- even though you are making fun of my favorite
jelly beans. But I guess I can forgive you. : )

What choice does she have?
Someone known only as writes:
funny but is there a point to all this?

Thank you, and yes.
J. Lee Bonnet wrote:
Just wanted to say THANKS--you made
my day--what a FABULOUS page you've
created--will pass it along to a very
select group of friends!

Thank you very much, J. Lee, and who
says we don't know how to take a compliment?

AIRHEAD77 wrote:
nice jelly beans

Thanks, and try to contain your excitement, OK?
Leisha (aka, apparently, "Sexy legs") wrote:
You have this tiny clause at the bottom of the
page, "this is just an elaborate joke" because if
you are real you target the sweet section not just
the section that you have...otherwise it is a very
funny web page.

Thank you, and we're sure all of us will sleep
better tonight now that you've cleared up all
that confusion...

Dave Nederhood wrote:
Great parody page - if you ever go into production,
be sure to sell your beans in barf bags for customer convenience!

Everybody's a comedian. In Dave's case, a good one.

And now Correspondence from the Confused:

Goodwin writes:
Is this page just supposed to be funny or do you
actually sell these kinds of jelly beans?!

Yes, it's supposed to be funny (and succeeds, too), and no, we don't sell jelly beans. We don't even know how to make jelly beans. We do, however, have a great recipe for linguine with clam sauce, can cook a convincing Thai or Vietnamese dish or two, and make a wonderful Orange-Rosemary Chicken.
Thomas Sparks wrote:

  • Why not?
  • Because we can.
  • We're upset we didn't get aboard the UFO in Comet Hale-Bopp's tail.
  • Had quit the day job and didn't have anything else to do.
  • Elvis would have loved it.
  • Just our way of encouraging the Chicago Cubs.
  • Nobody else had the guts to do it.
  • Two words: eating disorder.
  • Reason? We don't need no stinkin' reason.
  • Because we don't have our own late-night talk show.

Henry Guernsey wrote:
Hey, Looking good, how about some free samples,
so I can tell all of my friends? Looking forward
to tasting some of your very interesting flavors
....Hank [address deleted]

Hey Hank, we'd like to meet the friends of a guy
who thinks clam-flavored jelly beans are a good idea!

Sonya Wells wrote:
Do you offer free samples ?

Sonya, meet Hank. Hank, this is Sonya.
Sarah wrote:
I really don't understand what your
program is all about.

We don't either. Why should you be different?
Brian Podolsky wrote:
Do you sell in bulk for vending machines??
IF SO PLEASE MAIL INFO TO : [address deleted]

If the essence of good satire is that
you can't tell it's satire, we ought
to be getting the Pulitzer Prize.

And now the Fringe Element weighs in:

Jeff Lawton wrote:
Like, where can I order these jelly beans? I want:

1) Cayenne
2) Sourdough Pretzel
3) Sushi

Like, now that we think about it, so do we!
rickepp wrote:
We would really like to see these on
the shelves of our favorite stores. It
would be a new and exciting experience for
our mouths.

Really, some of you people need to get out more.

Here's the latest set of the best flavor suggestions, and the names of them what made 'em:

WhatWhoOur Comments
Pickle/Pimento LoafLeighA fairly revolting idea.
Pork PieDamaulVile.
Avocado Judy
John Grund (who supplied the image)
Not entirely nasty, but weird.
The Yahoo! Reviewers
Gail Ball
Pretty foul. (Cathie Kessler up at the U. of Toronto suggests that garlic beans can actually be purchased somewhere. Anyone know anything about this?)
MayonnaiseDavid M.
Kathy Slade
Dave Nederhood
Teresa Fleisher
J. Moore
Yuck. But popular....
Herbes-FineDavid HervolNot revolting, but very pretentious.
BeerGary Zeiss
Doug Hamm
Probably a pretty good idea, when you think of it.
TripeSteele CooleyExceedingly nasty.
TofuEva ChouIt would just take on the flavor of whatever other bean you ate with it.
Creamed CornTeresa Fleisher*Gag*
LardJohn Polcari
Mary & Kevin
Incomprehensibly revolting.
SpinachLinden and Marie-Claire CharltonProbably not as good as it sounds...
CharcoalGiovanni M. DeSimoneUgh.
Worchestershire sauceGail BallProbably goes well with the Pork Pie bean...
VegemiteJohn McBeeWe don't even know what it is...
Matthew Bowlby
Bruce Foust
Teresa Fleisher
Sheila Kamath
Kathy Slade
Very popular, too, we see. And probably just the thing to pop in for a treat right before a date...!
Beef JerkyThe Helly Jelly StaffNot just nasty, but chewy, too.
SquidTheodore P. Chiappelli
(can we call you Ted?)
Another chewy one, no doubt.
Rice CakeJack MortimerWhat could be more tasteless than rice cake?
KangarooChuck DattoloWe can see it now--a whole line of endangered jelly beans!
Vinegarjen (Schonewolf/Willey)
Joseph Sickel
Yuck. We're upset we didn't think of it first.
Vitamin EJoseph (Joey) SickelHe suggests this because of the confusion factor. We agree.
Boiled Chicken HeartJill HansonFrankly, we like 'em pan-fried....
Meat LoafAmber KorrerDepends on the recipe, but this wouldn't be all that wonderful, would it? It's difficult to come up with meat-flavored beans, but this one works for us.
EggplantErin and JamieEspecially if it's that overly-greasy fried eggplant at the bad Italian place around the corner! Bravo!
Cow TongueRegina DriverWell, at least one of us here likes tongue, but overall we'd have to agree that this would be pretty bad as a bean. Especially those giant honking taste buds.
SauerkrautSteven L. PrestonHorrible. An atrocity. Couldn't feed it to a dog. Well, actually, our first dog loved sauerkraut.
TurnipKatie (using Steven Eagle's e-mail)Bleah. Wouldn't try more than one of these.
CaviarJ. MooreSort of a marginal flavor to start with...too salty. Makes a terrible bean. But a nice black color!

And finally, Eugene Ori suggested something that we can't repeat on a family-oriented site. But thanks anyway, Eugene!

And thanks to everybody that's taken a shot at creating new, more foul flavors than what we've got already. If you see some flavors you mailed in but that we didn't credit, let us know, and we'll correct the problem.

Not all the mailed-in flavors qualify here, for various reasons. If you didn't see some of your flavors here it's probably because of one or more of the following reasons: Some day we hope to have enough time to get the new beans cranked out of the Beanie Machinie...we try to answer all mail but we're getting swamped and not everybody gets a reply anymore. Sorry about that, but who would have guessed this would be so popular?

Also, from now on, if you don't include a name, we can't use your suggestion. Unless your actual name is discernible from reading the e-mail header, we're just going to have to leave your suggestion out, no matter how brilliant (or how ill we get thinking about it!).


Still working on's a lot more involved to evaluate these. There seem to be more recipe suggestions than bean flavor suggestions!

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