Olgaine With

(Zinc mono-dihydroxylcoflagellate)

Minostridil: Each milligram of cream preparation consists of 0.0000202030100928103 mg Zn 1-2(0H)Fn5Gl3 in an inert base including methyl salicylate, disodium guanylate, xanthan gum, and propylene glycol.

IMPORTANT NOTE--this information is a BRIEF SUMMARY of the complete prescribing information provided with the product and therefore should not be used as the basis for selecting the product for use. This summary was prepared by deleting from the complete production information certain text, tables, and references deemed likely to damage sales of the product.
Indications and Usage: Nasal hair loss in males 15 years of age and older. Nasal hair loss in certain species of tropical frog.

Contraindications: Minostridil should not be used in males who currently have the following conditions: 1. An external integument covering an endoskeletal structure. 2. Internal organs. 3. Inability to breathe in a subaquatic environment. 4. Acute lack of ventricular or artricular fibrillation.

Warning: intranasal respiration increases the chances of negative side effects in males using topically-applied nasal hair growth acceleration products. Patients using Olgaine with Minostridil are strongly advised to avoid intranasal respiration during the course of treatment.

The use of topically-applied nasal hair growth accelerators is associated with increased risks of several serious conditions including myocardial dysplasia, thermoelectric edemas, and postprandial metaphysical oration, although the risk of serious morbidity or mortality is very small in healthy men without underlying risk factors. The risk of morbidity and mortality increases significantly in the presence of other underlying risk factors such as hypertension, running with scissors, using a metal fork to remove stuck objects from toasters, and crossing the street without looking both ways first.

Individuals seeking to use a topically-applied nasal hair growth accelerator should be familiar with the following information relating to these risks.

1. Pericardial Dysplasia
An increased risk of pericardial dysplasia (detachment and flopping about of the muscle sac surrounding the heart) has been attributed to nasal hair growth accelerator use. The risk is primarily in men taking between 254,000 and 319,106 milligrams of Vitamin A per day, or men with other underlying risk factors such as death. The relative risk has been estimated to be somewhere between vanishingly small and alarmingly huge.

2. Thermoelectric Edema
An increased risk of thermoelectric edema (a bodily swelling which exhibits electrical discharges when heated) among users of nasal hair growth accelerators is well established. Case studies have shown that men with associated risk factors are 3 to 6 times more likely to show up in case studies than men with no associated risk factors. Associated risk factors include: getting a finger stuck between the electrical plug prongs while plugging something in, touching the wrong thing on the back of the television set while trying to repair it yourself, and being unclear about where the proper grounding point is when jump-starting a car.

3. Postprandial metaphysical oration
Postprandial metaphysical oration occurs in 100% of study populations using nasal hair growth accelerators. Double- and triple-blind placebo studies have shown a 100% occurence as well. It appears that there's no escaping it--the kind of man who thinks he needs more nose hair is the kind of man who likes to sit around bullshitting after dinner.


It is good medical practice for all men to have annual history and physical examinations, including men using nasal hair growth accelerators. The physical examination, however, may be deferred until after the man loses a few pounds, cuts back on his drinking, starts to feel bad for no apparent reason, or gets nagged into it by his spouse or girlfriend. Patients with a family history of getting nagged into physical examinations will get no sympathy from anyone when complaining about it.

If you're a man with a sexually-transmitted disease in your nose, then we advise you to stop doing whatever it is you're doing, take stock of your life, and maybe join a church or something. Sheesh.


See package insert. No, it's in there, it's probably just stuck up in the other end of the box.


An increased risk of adverse reactions has been associated with the use of nasal hair growth accelerators (see WARNINGS section).
  • The shivers
  • The willies
  • The creeps
  • The heebie-jeebies
  • A certainty that if only you were quarterbacking/pitching/coaching/playing goalie, the professional sports team you follow would have won last night.
  • A belief that you're more interesting than you actually are, and that your life would make a great Hollywood movie starring Brad Pitt
  • An unwavering faith that people really enjoy your turn at the karaoke machine
  • Several questionable deductions on your income tax every year for the past decade